KHAUL

The Death of Me and The Rising of Drupadi; a Memoir

    2022 has been my biggest roller-coaster ride ever (yet so far). The goddess of Drupadi entered my embodiment of the "masculine" body at the beginning of 2020 and she has now emerged since. I identify myself as a Transgender Woman, Javanese, and both of my parents born in Indonesia and are not be able to speak English, at all. Being the first, maybe the only person who is fluent in English has opened up my horizon about many things, especially about my Gender Identity. Many of the books and kinds of literature are very much Heteronormative friendly since LGBTQIA+ "Agendas" have been suppressed not only by the society but also by the Indonesian government. It is such a devastating realm that in Indonesia many of the Queers have been conditioned to be shut and also targeted. I grew up in Yogyakarta, Indonesia where traditional customs and monarchs are still the fundamental values of the people. I spent most of my life living with my grandparents. I remember growing up, my grandparents wanted me to have Western views and be locally rooted in my culture at the same time. To be able to speak and write fluently in English, Bahasa Indonesia, and Bahasa Jawa is the biggest if not the best advantage I could have as a human being. 

Me at 4 years of age ran out of shorts/ pants due to Diarrhea, 

and that is a pillow cover I was wearing 

     Since I was 4 years old, my family knew that I am a little bit different than most of the boys around. I was more so interested in Traditional dance, makeup, and also anything that flares feminine energies. My grandfather knew that it was my destiny, it was meant to be before I even knew what the terms for my being actually is. Grandfather put me in a traditional dance class where it was meant for females only but I remember how he battled, how he convinced the owner that there is a female living in me, per se my Boy’s body. Little did the owner knows, I was the best dancer out of all the female students who were there. I mimicked and embraced the Drupadi very gracefully when I dance, I almost felt that I channel her in my everyday life.

I can admit that my life during school has made me become a rebel. I have always been treated and shaped to become the patriarch in many ways. The paradigm that schools in Indonesia have given or still give is almost derogatory towards women and their femininity. Once upon a time when I was in High School, I got called by the principal for wearing feminine shoes, also he asked me to change how I behave because it was too feminine. The words “Faggot”, “Tranny”, and “Fem” were my everyday meals at school, I was never offended and it made all of my classmates confused as to why I’m not fighting back. I am blessed and privileged to be able to understand, to also embrace my being. I have always been admiring matriarchal values which have been juxtaposed as a weakness in many cultures. 

I was fourteen years old at this stage, and my house has never felt like home to me more than the streets did. It has been two years since I lost my Grandfather, my rock, my biggest supporter. I can feel his presence in everywhere I go. I spent most of my nights outside wandering around coffee shops and met many beautiful souls along the way. At one point, I have been blessed to be reunited with a person named Ari. Ari worked as a Drag queen at this cabaret show called Raminten Cabaret which I always refer to as my definition of Heaven. Raminten Cabaret has been the sun or maybe the only sun up to date embracing the queer culture and uplifting the spirits of many young Gays, Trans, and Theys in Yogyakarta. Ari approached me while I was standing in front of Raminten Cabaret and asked whether I am gay or Trans, the answer was I did not even know who I was. Then, Ari grabbed my hand and pulled me into this dressing room full of feminine energies. It was loud, hot, and sweaty even when the drag queens were talking, it was almost shouting at each other, I was so pumped up. Without any hesitation, Ari introduced me to all of his colleagues and referred me as his Drag Daughter. Then, he gave my stage name Ratu Mulan Aquarius which means Queen of the Night, also Aquarius was chosen because Ari has built a group prior to our meeting called House of Aquarius which happens to be my star sign. Ari has seen and allowed all of my potential to blossom more than I did. Never have I ever been thinking all of this sequential order of events as a coincidence, it was meant to be; I was born this way. Drupadi has shaped herself into Ratu Mulan, a Queen of the Night, and guides me along the way. She built my views on how I see my surroundings, how I act, and how I value my worth.

A year went by, and Ratu Mulan has not only become Queen of the Night, but it is also Goddess of the Night. She has ruled the planetary of Drag House. Her movements, her speech, and her acts brought so much joy to people in Yogyakarta. After a few full moons passed by, I kept asking myself, “Am I Ratu Mulan, or Am I actually Trans living behind this curtain called Ratu Mulan?”. It was a catastrophic war in my head for quite some time. Then, one day I saw a video about Transgenderism. I was so intrigued, excited more than I thought I would. My inner saboteur asked, “Am I the burden, will I be a burden to my surroundings, will I be Happy?”. However, Drupadi has captivated me more than the inner saboteur did, I told myself “You are Trans and you will be happy”.

I am eighteen years of age; I have blossomed into my own entity; my higher self. Ari has nurtured me in becoming a kind and accepting human being. Studying at university has also helped me understand the complexity of our own kinds. I have never “come out”, I don’t see any urgency nor it is a necessity for me to look for validation. I am valid regardless of my sexual attraction. “If heterosexuals don’t have to come out, why would I have to?”.

Long story short, we are at the page of nineteen years of age. A new beginning, a new start, and a new place to live. I have met my counterpart, Kent Prior. We met in Yogyakarta, Indonesia while he was visiting the city and we have been inseparable since. Kent has taught me Australian living while also allowing and encouraging me to touch on my roots. Much like my Grandfather he understands my femininity and learns every bit of information through my horizon. I remember vividly when I stepped out of the customs at Gold Coast Airport, it was my Break Free, I spread my wings as wide as I could, I was a newborn Butterfly. My manifestations have come true, living with fear has come to an end. I am no longer scared of going out at the Café with full makeup on, I am no longer scared of wearing women’s clothes in public, and I am no longer scared of having to act accordingly following the “heteronormative customs”. I am who I am, I am going above and beyond to Venus and further.

As much as I am the happiest person in the planetary of Trans, I have lost two of my Angels, Valeri, and Ari. Both of my angels ended their lives due to hatred of being who they are. I was devastated, I was shocked and the blackhole has sunken my planet into a dark place. Not long after, I had a massive big bang disagreement with my own parents after I said that I am comfortable in my own terms of being a Transgender Woman and I will do anything to complete my journey. I was at the bottom of the roller-coaster ride, I was at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, I was at the bottom of the universe after all. My dad was so disappointed to the point that he will not refer me as his child, his own blood. Big black clouds are on top of me, I was surrounded by the Berlin Wall, it was my defense mechanism; walls. Six months of complete darkness have sucked me to the thought of reuniting with my angels. On the day when it was meant for our reunion, a gorgeous butterfly came into my horizon, she whispered “Don’t do it, it is not your time”. I called Kent to let him know how gorgeous the butterfly was, he saw none and he was starting to panic. Then, in my vision all I saw were cars with people who I surround myself with and shouting “Don’t do it, you are worth it”, I was smiling at them and waved. Then the butterfly whispered, “Let’s go outside and explore”. I followed the butterfly which ended up being seven kilometres walk into the jungles. As soon as I got home, I crashed into my bed then I was blacked out, it was dark, black, and indescribable. I thought that was my final, I thought I was finally reunited with my angels, I was so confused.

The next morning, I had nineteen missed calls from my counterpart, my twin flames, my rock, and my biggest supporter, Kent. A few voicemails were received and one of them is from Queensland Ambulance. The body corporate manager on the site had to break into the property, yet I was still confused and I felt lighter, it almost felt like I was just a newly born baby. Kent was very pleased to see me alive, and he told me that the day before was his mother’s birthday. I immediately think that the butterfly was his mother. I prayed for her and expressed my gratitude for saving my life. I let my old self die with all of my bad memories. I let go of every bit of darkness in me to be absorbed by this Earth, and I let Drupadi rise in every cell in my body and take over the negativity that I have. 

I am the new me, the daughter of Drupadi if I might say. I established a better relationship with my parents. I have realized the emergence of my happiness is to be me; my authentic self. I have also expressed my gratitude repeatedly to the goddesses of the universe for letting me be in Australia, which I can call now my Home. I also expressed my prayer towards the goddesses and souls of the Indigenous people of Australia, the Sistergirls for accepting me and letting my presence be for a better Australia. It is not the end, it is just the beginning, now to the Trans planet, beyond, and further.

Love, Mann.